You are lies

They hurt
I hurt
Inside I die alone
No one around
I need someone, anyone please!
This pain it kills.
You kill me
Why?
All I did was show you love
Pure, sweet love
What else did you want?
Not me
Not me at all
But if I am nothing you are less
For I am the best you'll ever get
I am prefect
I am everything!
You are nothing
Nothing at all
But lies
Disgusting lies!

Oh, why me?

All I think about is you.
Day in day out.
Obsessed I am, I know.
Forever lost in you.
Sadly this is only me.
For how I wish you to were lost indeed.
But lost in me you cannot be
For I am not worthy...

Pure, Dirty 

Honest, Lies

Faithful, Betrayal

Everything has it's negative.
Nothing is perfect, nothing is good.
Everything beautiful eventually withers away and dies...

So why try?
I try for you because you are my light.

In this terrible world that just makes me die.

You bring me life and I love you so much.

But I feel I am losing you

And that makes me die inside.

Please don't leave me.

I thought we could live happy together.

You are my light...

So can you let me be yours?

Please give me a sign that you'll forever stay with me.

Tell me everything will be alright.

I need to hear it from your lips.

Please my love.

I need this.

[This feeling kills]

 

My feelings for you.

They say that love is forever
Your forever is all that I need
Please stay as long as you need
Can't promise that things won't be broken
But I swear that I will never leave
Please stay forever with me

I couldn't love just anyone, I was created to love just one.

And that one is you my love.

 

[If I'm James Dean You're Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping with Sirens]

Effort

Not Enough...Just not enough.

Don't give up.
That just makes you weak.
[Try harder] 

Confusion

I always thought that when you love someone you would make sure they are always happy.
That even though you hurt you will make sure they are happy.
No matter what you would put them first....
Because you love them.

But things aren't like that.

Maybe it's just the way I think.

Maybe I just expect too much.

I believed if I treated the person I love the way I always wanted to be treated that they would treat me that way in return.

But that's just not how things work.

I know no one acts the same way.

No one is perfect.

But I just want them to make me feel special.

I just want to feel like they care.

Like they want me to be happy.

They don't have to do anything extreme.

Just a simple note.

Just a tight hug.

Just a random "I love you".

Just something to let me know they think about me.

No gifts, no money.

Just a symbol of their feelings.

Maybe I just want to much.

Maybe I should just be happy they are there.

That they love me. 

But how do I know they love me?

Words mean nothing compared to actions.

Is it a fantasy I want? I must be crazy.

I should want something realistic! NOT A FANTASY!

I should just be satisfied with giving him a smile.

As long as he is happy it's okay.

I will ignore my pain in order to cheer him up.

I will do anything I can for him.

I don't care if he does it in return.

 

 

I don't have to have a happy life.

I just have to have you happy in my life.

I love my life,

Not because it's perfect or great.

I love my life because you are in it.

So please never leave my life,

Nicholas Mast, I love you more than anything.

You make me happy.

 

 

I still have a goal in life though. And I will reach that goal. That goal will not make me happy, but it will make me feel like I did something with my life. I won't be a let down. I will be someone. Or I will die trying.

 

 

 

[I just want to be shown what love is.]

  

Do I need more?

I don't hear his heart beat
I don't heart him breathing
I don't feel his heat

All I feel if alone
Cold, lost, confused

Maybe I should just learn to be without him by my side all the time.
But you see, my soul needs him by my side.
His presence is what makes me happy.
I have never wanted someone by my side so badly...

Yet I wish I didn't feel this way.
It is weak. I am weak.
I don't need him!
I can live without him! I can....
All I need is my self and my few friends.

Or maybe I do need him. More than I know.
I won't accept that as the truth though.
He can't have that power over me...
No ones can...

Maybe it's better that he always isn't by my side.
Maybe it's a good thing that I don't get what I expect.
Maybe I'm just telling myself lies.

I envy, I hate, I feel

I envy so much.
I hate so much.
I hate these humans,
Their existence sickens me.
They cheat, they lie.
They care of nothing but themselves.
How I wish I could destroy them.
Get rid if them all!
Every last one of them gone!
Oh how I detest the human race,
They are disgusting creatures that don't deserve to live.
Oh how I wish I wasn't human...
But since I am, I hate.
I hate myself, not for what I've done but for what I am.
In my visions I am relieved.
All my troubles gone.
All those humans gone, including me....
Till then I will hate.
Some more then others.
And few I will love.
Those few who deserve to live.
I'm not one of those though.
Death will welcome me one day.
One day...

Some things just keep repeating in my mind.

The good the bad it doesn't matter.

Either way they will affect your life.

In good ways or bad ways.

So why do we care about what we do when time will move on no matter what.

The present becomes the past and the future becomes the present. 

So why should the past matter when it is so far away.

You see things are different with me.

All the good and all the bad does the same to me.

I can never see the positive no matter how hard I try.

And trust me I do try, harder then I should maybe?

I thank my friend for that. 

He told me that thinking about the negative does nothing but bring you down

Thanks to him I try hard to look at the positives in everything that happens in my life even in the bad things.

But it's easier said then done.

Sometimes I just want to quit.

Just stop all the madness.

Allow myself to escape this world and enter my fantasy.

A place where everything is good; where nothing bad ever happens

Where lies don't exist and no one can hurt you with their words.

I just want to be alone in this place, alone with the wind

Alone with nature. Just by myself.

No worries in the world.

But wouldn't that be selfish of me?

What about everyone I care about and love?
Could I leave them to go to this place?

How could I do such a thing.

I don't have the heart.

I don't have the courage.

All I would have is guilt.

They deserve to be happy too right?

Everyone deserves to be happy, not just me.

I am so selfish to think about just myself when others are suffering too.

But sometimes I don't want to stay.

Even though I love them; I still want to escape.

Because solving other people's problems isn't my job.

Why should I help them if they don't help me.

Why should they help me?

I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything.

Maybe I do deserve one thing.

This one thing is suffering.

And what is my suffering you might ask?

My suffering is my mind.

My thoughts, my voices.

Yes I do believe the voices belong to me; after all only I can hear them.

The tortures things they say. You could only imagine them.

Everyday I hear them say things I don't want to hear.

Things I don't want to remember.

Things I want to forget.

Things I want to avenge.

Everyday my hate grows.

Hate towards what though?

Obvious answer. Hate towards me.

I seem to have gotten off topic.

Don't I always. Well I'll write more later.

I have a lot on my mine.

Thoughts thoughts thought.

They seem to have consumed me.

They seem to have taken away my sanity.

Will I survive with so many thoughts attacking me?
Maybe they will take me away into a world they have made.

A world made from thoughts.

If that's the case; that world would be hell for me.

[Alone I am, with my thoughts and my past. Seems I can't escape it; but could it be I don't want to?]

Fuck it.

Why is it that when people care about something they always end up being hurt?
Why can't there always be a positive output in things?
Why can't the feeling of being happy stay?
Why do we destroy ourselves when what we really want is to save ourselves?
Why can't I find the answers to these questions?....



That word always seems to pop up in my head.  "Why" a simple 3 letter word that I hate so much.
Sometimes I just want to stop thinking so much.
But even when I try so hard to stop over thinking everything... I end up losing.
No matter what I try I always think too much.
But what I think never turns out to be a lie.
So is this a bad thing or a good thing?
Or maybe I just hate the truth.
Maybe I just want to be lied to all the time
Hear what I want to hear
Believe that this world can be a wonderful place...
Sadly, it isn't.
And sadly I'm not stupid enough to believe it can be.
For me anyways. 
Maybe there still is a chance for others. 
But until I allow myself to be happy 
Until I am willing to accept things with flaws and all
Until I am willing to see that I deserve something good
I don't think this world will ever be a wonderful place for me.



But I also don't want to be lied to...
I want to know the truth
I don't want to base my feelings on something that is a lie
Something that was never real
Never there
Never wanted
Never needed
Why can't people just be honest?
Even if the truth hurts, it's better to tell the truth then a lie
Lies just hurt more.
Especially if the person finds out the truth on their own
The pain of being lied to is awful.
All your hope feels like it leaves you
Breathing becomes a struggle
Sadness takes over every inch of your body
Then anger takes it's place.
And the misery afterwords, is indescribable.



But even when I am lied to, I accept it.
I don't show what I feel. Not because I don't want to
But because I see no use in it.
Saying something won't have any effect.
There's no point.
In my mind my feelings mean nothing.
And maybe I should really change that.
After all I do have feelings, so shouldn't they mean something?
If not to someone else at least to me....



I don't know what to do anymore. 
So I will just go with the flow, because I don't want to do anything if I know the outcome will never be positive.

One day,

Everything bad will go away.

One day...

(Everything beautiful, Eventually dies.)