Oh yeah!

So things are going pretty good so far!
Me and Nicholas are still together ♥
And I hope we will be together forever!
But that's kinda weird to say...
Since we haven't been dating for that long.
But I really see myself spending my life with this guy :3
He's amazing in every way I can think of!
I can't see myself without him...
I'm definitely happy he's mine!

School is going well.

I have all A's.

Wonder how long that will last.

I still don't care as much as I should about school.

I doubt I ever will.

But school comes easy to me, so I don't worry.

My brain still fucks with me at times.

But it happens less often now.

Which I believe is a good thing.

I really don't want to have another break down.

Overall I can say I'm happy,

And that's mostly thanks to Nick! ♥

♥ I love you so much Nicholas Ryan-Matthew Mast! ♥

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Yeah he was just using me. I was stupid enough to fall for his lies. I'm glad he's out of my life.

[I would stop time just to stay close to you for a little longer]

Thoughts

I haven't been feeling well lately
But this has become a common thing to me now.
I don't understand what is going on with me,
But I accept it. 
After all it's not like I can stop it.
If I knew how I would.
My mind just won't leave me alone.
Everything that happens in my life must be judged by it.
Yeah I know that seems normal,
But the way my mind judges what happens isn't what I believe to be normal.
I just want to be happy.
But the feeling never stays long.
No feeling I have ever stays long.
They always switch.
It's like they take turns to be expressed; I wish I could control them.
I'm confused and don't know what to do about anything.
I don't know how to solve my own problem.
I don't know how to solve myself.

I'm always the problem.

They tell me this daily.

They even give me reasons.

I can't amount to anything, I'll always give up.

What's the use of trying when you know you'll just fail.

These words and more always repeat in my mind.

I don't think because they become active when that happens.

It's as if they must tell me their opinions.

But I don't want to listen to such things.

They aren't real after all.

Right?

So why does it affect me so much...

Why can't they just stop talking.

I don't know what to do anymore.

My mother thinks I've gone crazy.

Have I?

I don't even know anymore.

I don't even know myself anymore.

Everything seems so confusing to me.

I just hope I can make it through.

But sometimes I'm not sure.

My emotions are more scattered then normally.

I don't like changing moods so rapidly.

I don't want my problems to affect others.

After all,

I should be able to deal with this on my own.

[Simple is perfect.]

They

They know me 
They understand me.
What I hide
They find
What I avoid 
They confront
I can't keep them away
They always stay in place
Why can't I just run away
Away from them
From this
From everything
Is it so wrong to want it to go away
For them to go away.
They know me
More then I know me
What will I do 
When they consume me...
Will I remember who I really am?
Or are they who I really am..
Soon they will take over.
Destroy my mind
Take over my emotions
Control everything that makes me, me.
Then what do I do after that?
Can I do anything
Should I do anything
I'm confused
But they're not
They tell me the truth
They swear they would never lie
So why shouldn't I listen
But... I don't want to believe
How can I believe
I must listen to myself
But they are so loud
I can't drain them out
I need to get away
Far away.....
To escape myself.
To be free from my mind...

Don't feel okay.

I've been feeling odd for 2 days now.
I don't know why
But something is bothering me.
Maybe because I keep comparing myself,
I always tend to compare myself to others.
But I never see myself better then the person I compare myself to.
I just don't see myself better then anyone.
I am of the average or less then average type.
I can't make someone happy, 
I can't do something better then another person.
My skills are useless and unneeded.
So what's the point of going?

All these thoughts run through my head.

I can't even convince myself I'm worth something.

Maybe even dirt is worth more,

I know dirt is worth more,

Because dirt is what nature needs to thrive.

I wonder if I'll ever be needed.

Maybe I won't be as important as dirt,

But anything is better then nothing?

Or is nothing really what I am?

I just want to laugh and be happy.

Why is it so important to me to be needed?

Why do I always want to be better then others,

Knowing I could never be as good as anyone.

I guess my mind lies to itself...

[I don't have time to care about such silly things]

  

Unexpected

So I got a boyfriend on 9/24/11
I really didn't think the guy was going to ask me out
But oddly enough he did.
His name is Nick Mast.
I think he's amazing! ♥
I'll try not to get too obsessive over this guy.
So far everything is going great
I don't think his mom likes me very much,
But that's expected.


He was definitely not the person I thought he was. I wish I would delete my memories of him forever.

School is going okay.

I have 3 A's and 2 B's

For some odd reason I can't get an A in GD

It pisses me off.

But the class is okay.

I mean making flyers isn't all that fun,

But it's better then work.

There's also this kid named Billy.

He really creeps me out.

I only talked to him cause Macey likes him.

If she wasn't my friend I wouldn't talk to such a creeper.

Just thinking about him makes me want to throw up.

Ewww.....

How the hell can she like that guy!

[Some things are just too creepy...]

Glow sticks?

Tried selling glow sticks for key club
I'm not very good at selling
Actually I don't even think I tried
I just gave the glow sticks to someone else
So they could sell them
Eh. Not like I asked to sell them
I'm not good at socializing.

I started twitching slightly when there were too many people.

People scare me.

But some just really piss me off

Like Ear hole dude.

I really want to rip his face off

That sounds like fun.

I stopped "investigating" G.U.S.

Too much work to do

Not enough time to "investigate"

He's still sexy like always though

I know THAT for sure

Today was Katlyn's birthday!

Happy birthday Katie!★ I spent the day (most of it) with you!
Still have to give you that panda drawing....

Anyways, hope you had a good day!~

Time moves slow yet fast.

So much has happened and so little is left to show for it. 
Life moves on and the past turns into a mere blur.
I don't want to become nothing in this world of possibilities 
But then again is it worth the effort
After all will there be anything left to show for it 
When I die will anyone remember me?
Will anyone share my memories?
Or will I too fade away with time and become an unneeded blur.

All these questions will be answered in time.

After all I have no need to rush things

All I need to do is go with the flow

And hope for the best

After all my future lies in my hands

And no one can take that form me.

If I choose to live or die is up to me.

Wither I succeed or fail depends on how hard I try

If I even try

Should I even try?

Doubt surrounds me.

Life can be confusing sometimes.

But then again the answer can be easy to find.

If only you open your eyes.

 

P.S.- HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATLYN!!!! (9/21)

I'm so useless and blind

I once had something that made me whole;

Something that made me want to live, to breathe.

But then I lost sight of that precious thing;

It disappeared far away; Somewhere I could not go.
Somewhere I dare not go.

But to retrieve my precious something I must go;
Or else I will no longer be whole.

But I can not betray what I believe in.

I am forbidden to do so; Many would stop me.

But without this precious something I can not live.
For it is why I breathe; 
Without it all strength, all hope, all reason to live will be blown away;Like the withered peddles of a blossom

But I have lost it; And can never retrieve it

For I do not deserve such a precious thing, For something so great can not be possessed by someone so......Worthless.

I hurt the one I loved the most.....

and just lied to myself about it.

I made my self believe I did nothing wrong.

But everything I did was wrong.

I didn't deserve to have something so great in my life.

Someone so caring and loving.

It just wasn't meant for me.

If only I could have cherished it more... 

then maybe things would be different.

It seems I enjoy being miserable, 

to lose what makes me happy.

Will I ever learn to be happy with what I have?

Probably not. But I deserve to suffer....

I will only truly love one person in this life, 

and in all the lives after.
But will they love me?
And will I ever find this one person?...

[Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.]

Feelings? I don't think so.

Do you ever get tired of the waiting?
The wanting?
The yearning?
The sadness and despair?
To have to live through life like all you are is a thing, not a being?

 All I ever wanted was to understand.

To understand life and why we suffer.

Why we feel. Why people hurt. Why people Love.

All I ever wanted was to be loved.

But must I be hurt to love?

Must love come with pain?

Can't it be pure and gentle without pain?

Can't anything be simple anymore?

Why must everything become complected?

Can anyone even explain love?

A feeling? A sensation that goes through the body?

But can't this Love be confused with Lust?

To be depressed and miserable.

Everyone feels it.

But what if you don't know how you feel?

What if you can't understand it?

Can't explain it.

Everyone wants the feeling to be wanted.

Is this not way people pair up?

To be with one another.

To be happy.

Everyone wants to be happy.

But then isn't that also when greed comes along.

Destroys what we make.

Consumes us with lies and paranoia.

Why is it so difficult for something to just stay the same?

Because the world moves.

Time doesn't stays still.

And everyone changes.

Everyone learns something new.

To learn is to change.

When you learn you expand your options.

This is natural since you know more.

But what's the point?

We all die in the end anyways.

To achieve something maybe. To complete your goal?

Perhaps, that would explain why people try.

Try to live, love, and survive.

But me.

I'm different.

I don't see a point.

I do try but I don't really want to.

To end it all.

Become one with nature.

Be free from all others.

Then, Only then, Will I become happy.

The feeling everyone wants.

I can only achieve it when I have become free from these chains.

These chains I call Life....

[One day I shall achieve it. Freedom.]

Missing Him.....

So Jacob broke up with me about 2 months ago.
He said it was because he couldn't forget about his ex.
Of course he wasn't telling the truth.
I thought it wouldn't effect me...
I was sure wrong about that.....

He hasn't talked to me since then.

He hugs me now and then...But I know he doesn't want to.

Why would he anyways?

I don't understand why I'm obsessing over this guy in the first place.

He doesn't even want anything to do with me.

I guess I just can't help but like him.....

How foolish I am. 

To ever think, a guy like him would like a girl like me.

Such things are impossible.

He has a new girlfriend now.

But he always has a new girlfriend.

I guess I was just another person.

Maybe I should just ignore what I feel.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Sometimes I just wish I could escape.

I just know this,

no matter what happens,

I'll keep having hope for something.

[I'd rather be hated for who I am, Then to be loved for what I'm not.]