I'm so useless and blind

I once had something that made me whole;

Something that made me want to live, to breathe.

But then I lost sight of that precious thing;

It disappeared far away; Somewhere I could not go.
Somewhere I dare not go.

But to retrieve my precious something I must go;
Or else I will no longer be whole.

But I can not betray what I believe in.

I am forbidden to do so; Many would stop me.

But without this precious something I can not live.
For it is why I breathe; 
Without it all strength, all hope, all reason to live will be blown away;Like the withered peddles of a blossom

But I have lost it; And can never retrieve it

For I do not deserve such a precious thing, For something so great can not be possessed by someone so......Worthless.

I hurt the one I loved the most.....

and just lied to myself about it.

I made my self believe I did nothing wrong.

But everything I did was wrong.

I didn't deserve to have something so great in my life.

Someone so caring and loving.

It just wasn't meant for me.

If only I could have cherished it more... 

then maybe things would be different.

It seems I enjoy being miserable, 

to lose what makes me happy.

Will I ever learn to be happy with what I have?

Probably not. But I deserve to suffer....

I will only truly love one person in this life, 

and in all the lives after.
But will they love me?
And will I ever find this one person?...

[Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.]