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After all the thinking I finally realized the truth in my relationship with that guy.
I just wanted to feel like I belonged to someone.
I didn't want to be alone anymore.

But was it worth it?

Instead of making me feel needed he made me feel suffocated.

I felt more alone with him then I did by myslef.

Everyday would be hell for me.

Everyday I would cry.

The urge of cutting would just grow and grow.

Many would wonder "Why are you still with him?"

I, to this day, have no idea.

I thought I loved him but I didn't

I was just using him to sustain my own needs

Don't think of me as a selfish person

Because I just wanted to be happy

Yes, I did use him but I didn't make him feel like he was nothing

He did that all on his own

I treated him well, I am the best girlfriend anyone could have

But he didn't deserve that. 

He didn't deserve my kindness.

I wish I never met him

But there's no point in trying to change the past

It just can't be done

At least he is out of my life now

And I am so thankful for it too

I can breathe again!

I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!

It feels so amazing to be freed of him

I should have done this sooner!

I don't love you Nicholas, I don't think I ever did

But I did care for you

That's over now though, you don't deserve to be cared for.

Thank you for being out of my life! :)

[Time for a new start]

 

Disappointment, Regret, and Loss

I loved you.
I loved you more than anything in my life. 
I would have given up my dreams for you...
How stupid is that! 
But I was so madly in love with you... No I still am.
I want to forget you, I want you out of my head.
But you were my everything and now that you are gone I have nothing.
I know I still have my friends and family...But that's not the same.
With you I felt safe, loved, and worth something.
Or was that just my imagination? 
Did you really love me?
I can't answer this because it would be bias. 
I wanted you to love me so I BELIEVED you loved me because that's what I wanted...
Why couldn't you just keep your promises? Why couldn't you have been faithful and honest? Why the lies and the betrayal?
I gave you everything I had! I gave you so much!
I tried so hard to make you happy that I allowed my self to suffer just to see a smile on your face....
But you never did the same for me... you never tried to make me happy and would always avoid me when I was sad. 
WHY DO I LOVE YOU!!!
You never treated me like I was your everything...Maybe I just wasn't your everything...
Even after everything you did I still wanted us to work out.
But I wouldn't allow myself to be used and lied to anymore.
I told you what the consequences to your actions would be...
It was your choice what the ending would be...
You chose for us to be apart...
I didn't choose for this to happen. I never even wanted this to happen!
I wanted a future with you!
Why couldn't things have gone differently?!
I love you so much.... It hurts me so much to love you....
I shouldn't love you though because you don't deserve it.
You put me through so much pain.... 
WHY!? I just don't understand why........
Nicholas Ryan-Matthew Mast... I hate that I love you...