Gabriela

You were, are the greatest person that I had in my life. I've known you for more than 4 years but feel life I've known you forever. You suffured in this hell I call life and I know you are happy in the paradise you were sent to. I'm thankful that you died naturally by God's will and not by yours. You are an amazing person that made me understand that to be happy I have to love myself. I still haven't learned to love myself and don't know if I ever will but I know I loved you because, to me, you were perfect. Even though you didn't see it yourself you are an incredible person and always will be. Even though you thought you were a nusense you were wanted and welcomed. Many love you. Many will miss you.

I'll wait for the day I can see you again Gaby. That day I hope to see you happy and finally have love for yourself. Rest in peace. I love you Gabriela.

Results

After all the thinking I finally realized the truth in my relationship with that guy.
I just wanted to feel like I belonged to someone.
I didn't want to be alone anymore.

But was it worth it?

Instead of making me feel needed he made me feel suffocated.

I felt more alone with him then I did by myslef.

Everyday would be hell for me.

Everyday I would cry.

The urge of cutting would just grow and grow.

Many would wonder "Why are you still with him?"

I, to this day, have no idea.

I thought I loved him but I didn't

I was just using him to sustain my own needs

Don't think of me as a selfish person

Because I just wanted to be happy

Yes, I did use him but I didn't make him feel like he was nothing

He did that all on his own

I treated him well, I am the best girlfriend anyone could have

But he didn't deserve that. 

He didn't deserve my kindness.

I wish I never met him

But there's no point in trying to change the past

It just can't be done

At least he is out of my life now

And I am so thankful for it too

I can breathe again!

I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!

It feels so amazing to be freed of him

I should have done this sooner!

I don't love you Nicholas, I don't think I ever did

But I did care for you

That's over now though, you don't deserve to be cared for.

Thank you for being out of my life! :)

[Time for a new start]

 

Disappointment, Regret, and Loss

I loved you.
I loved you more than anything in my life. 
I would have given up my dreams for you...
How stupid is that! 
But I was so madly in love with you... No I still am.
I want to forget you, I want you out of my head.
But you were my everything and now that you are gone I have nothing.
I know I still have my friends and family...But that's not the same.
With you I felt safe, loved, and worth something.
Or was that just my imagination? 
Did you really love me?
I can't answer this because it would be bias. 
I wanted you to love me so I BELIEVED you loved me because that's what I wanted...
Why couldn't you just keep your promises? Why couldn't you have been faithful and honest? Why the lies and the betrayal?
I gave you everything I had! I gave you so much!
I tried so hard to make you happy that I allowed my self to suffer just to see a smile on your face....
But you never did the same for me... you never tried to make me happy and would always avoid me when I was sad. 
WHY DO I LOVE YOU!!!
You never treated me like I was your everything...Maybe I just wasn't your everything...
Even after everything you did I still wanted us to work out.
But I wouldn't allow myself to be used and lied to anymore.
I told you what the consequences to your actions would be...
It was your choice what the ending would be...
You chose for us to be apart...
I didn't choose for this to happen. I never even wanted this to happen!
I wanted a future with you!
Why couldn't things have gone differently?!
I love you so much.... It hurts me so much to love you....
I shouldn't love you though because you don't deserve it.
You put me through so much pain.... 
WHY!? I just don't understand why........
Nicholas Ryan-Matthew Mast... I hate that I love you...