Thoughts

I haven't been feeling well lately
But this has become a common thing to me now.
I don't understand what is going on with me,
But I accept it. 
After all it's not like I can stop it.
If I knew how I would.
My mind just won't leave me alone.
Everything that happens in my life must be judged by it.
Yeah I know that seems normal,
But the way my mind judges what happens isn't what I believe to be normal.
I just want to be happy.
But the feeling never stays long.
No feeling I have ever stays long.
They always switch.
It's like they take turns to be expressed; I wish I could control them.
I'm confused and don't know what to do about anything.
I don't know how to solve my own problem.
I don't know how to solve myself.

I'm always the problem.

They tell me this daily.

They even give me reasons.

I can't amount to anything, I'll always give up.

What's the use of trying when you know you'll just fail.

These words and more always repeat in my mind.

I don't think because they become active when that happens.

It's as if they must tell me their opinions.

But I don't want to listen to such things.

They aren't real after all.

Right?

So why does it affect me so much...

Why can't they just stop talking.

I don't know what to do anymore.

My mother thinks I've gone crazy.

Have I?

I don't even know anymore.

I don't even know myself anymore.

Everything seems so confusing to me.

I just hope I can make it through.

But sometimes I'm not sure.

My emotions are more scattered then normally.

I don't like changing moods so rapidly.

I don't want my problems to affect others.

After all,

I should be able to deal with this on my own.

[Simple is perfect.]

They

They know me 
They understand me.
What I hide
They find
What I avoid 
They confront
I can't keep them away
They always stay in place
Why can't I just run away
Away from them
From this
From everything
Is it so wrong to want it to go away
For them to go away.
They know me
More then I know me
What will I do 
When they consume me...
Will I remember who I really am?
Or are they who I really am..
Soon they will take over.
Destroy my mind
Take over my emotions
Control everything that makes me, me.
Then what do I do after that?
Can I do anything
Should I do anything
I'm confused
But they're not
They tell me the truth
They swear they would never lie
So why shouldn't I listen
But... I don't want to believe
How can I believe
I must listen to myself
But they are so loud
I can't drain them out
I need to get away
Far away.....
To escape myself.
To be free from my mind...

Don't feel okay.

I've been feeling odd for 2 days now.
I don't know why
But something is bothering me.
Maybe because I keep comparing myself,
I always tend to compare myself to others.
But I never see myself better then the person I compare myself to.
I just don't see myself better then anyone.
I am of the average or less then average type.
I can't make someone happy, 
I can't do something better then another person.
My skills are useless and unneeded.
So what's the point of going?

All these thoughts run through my head.

I can't even convince myself I'm worth something.

Maybe even dirt is worth more,

I know dirt is worth more,

Because dirt is what nature needs to thrive.

I wonder if I'll ever be needed.

Maybe I won't be as important as dirt,

But anything is better then nothing?

Or is nothing really what I am?

I just want to laugh and be happy.

Why is it so important to me to be needed?

Why do I always want to be better then others,

Knowing I could never be as good as anyone.

I guess my mind lies to itself...

[I don't have time to care about such silly things]

  

Unexpected

So I got a boyfriend on 9/24/11
I really didn't think the guy was going to ask me out
But oddly enough he did.
His name is Nick Mast.
I think he's amazing! ♥
I'll try not to get too obsessive over this guy.
So far everything is going great
I don't think his mom likes me very much,
But that's expected.


He was definitely not the person I thought he was. I wish I would delete my memories of him forever.

School is going okay.

I have 3 A's and 2 B's

For some odd reason I can't get an A in GD

It pisses me off.

But the class is okay.

I mean making flyers isn't all that fun,

But it's better then work.

There's also this kid named Billy.

He really creeps me out.

I only talked to him cause Macey likes him.

If she wasn't my friend I wouldn't talk to such a creeper.

Just thinking about him makes me want to throw up.

Ewww.....

How the hell can she like that guy!

[Some things are just too creepy...]